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hello again [05 Jun 2015|12:05pm]

it's always so easy to come here and read through my friends list but it's always difficult to write anything i feel like anyone would care to read. life hasn't really changed much since i wrote last. ryans almost a year old which is really neat but kind of a bummer since everyone was right about it going by so quickly. motherhood is crazy and awesome all in the same day. i cry a lot and worry too much sometimes. still don't know how i've survived it all. i've absolutely suffered from some major post partum depression but i'm working on getting better. the sun is shining more and i'm planning some summer adventures to get my life back on the enjoyable side. ryan keeps me motivated to be better and i love that about being a mom.

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+ [19 Jan 2014|06:11pm]
so i went ahead and created myself a fancy little new home via blogger. i love livejournal and i know that it will be my comfort zone for sharing super personal tidbits but i needed something new and exciting. i need a place to feel more of a push to be creative.

so if any of yall are interested it's http://ohhnichole.blogspot.com
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[30 Oct 2013|09:49pm]

tomorrow is halloween which means plenty of those i know will be out getting drunk and going to strange parties but i think i'm going to have a night to myself watching silly scary movies and making pumpkin baked goodies. heck, might even make some sugary cranberry scones and stuff my face. i carved a pumpkin just for kicks this year and bought a couple bags of candy to hand out to the potential kids that may or may not knock on my door. i went to krugers a couple weekends back to show joe all the fall time goodies and came home with endless amounts of apples and green beans. i've turned into quite the baker lately so this cold weather is very helpful for those late night sweet cravings. also considering it's the end of the month the only thing on my brain lately is how much longer its going to take me to find a job. somedays i feel a little hopeless and other days i figure it will just work itself out.

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it's been a loooong time [25 Oct 2013|07:24pm]

it's been over a year since i've written. a lot can be said but it is all just so overwhelming so i will start small. too much has happened and social networking like facebook and the convenience of tumblr mean i don't spend a lot of time online anymore. i graduated from portland community college in the spring. it was a long three years but it was time to be done. i miss being in a classroom a lot but the price of school is just not something im ready to commit myself too at this time. some of my closest friends and family came to celebrate and while my heart was pounding crossing that stage i could hear everyone clapping and screaming my name. it felt good to have so many people proud of me. i have been in a good relationship since february of '12. we met online which was a really new thing for me. he's all the way from louisiana and our lifestyles are just so different but we found a way to come together and make it work. my life has been more than a little lackluster these days. i'm hoping that it will change. joe works late nights now and i have yet to find a job. there's a lot i stopped doing a long time ago and i've come to realize i need to find myself again and find what makes me happy. i miss the darkroom at school, i miss being crafty, and most of all i miss going on adventures. so here's a little good things list:

+ crocheting a new project
+ writing postcards
+ the smell of fresh laundry
+ new books on my kindle
+ day trips to sauvies island
+ carving pumpkins

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[12 Mar 2012|03:18am]
it may be after three am but its time to write. a lot has been going on just as much as a lot of nothing has happened. school is forever the main subject in my life. i am almost finished with pcc. one more term and then i will have an associates. where i am going i have no idea. but i know that i need to move on and go somewhere.

i made this huge goal a while back on writing letters and sending postcards. well lets just say that i got stuck in a rut and i wanted to apologize. i have started working on said letters and things and should have them out by the end of this week.

i have no taken many photos in the past couple of months. i know this is bad for me because it is the one thing that keeps me inspired and creative. i signed up for photo darkroom one last time and as much as i am sad it will be my last time, i am happy to be back once more. i have been learning to use my diana camera and i'm sure that during spring break i will make a point to take some personal photos to develop once term starts.

so here's to life. its crazy. it confuses the hell out of me. but i'm still at it and that in itself is a very wonderful thing.
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[13 Jan 2012|01:35pm]

been feeling really nostalgic today. not sure what exactly has put me in the semi blissful mood but i'm in it deep. maybe its that constant yearning for more that's got me here. maybe i need out sooner than i had anticipated. i had such a wonderful amount of responses to my last post that i am looking really forward to creating new things to send all of you. its a definite step in the right direction. another thing that recently came to mind is how i have been lacking in carrying my cameras around with me. it would probably help if i took some digitals with the borrowed point and shoot from my father but it just has never felt the same as film. now that classes have started up i have been missing the darkroom pretty bad.

so this year has been odd so far but there's a lot to look forward to and it just is going to take some time to realize all the things i have been through can't keep me from moving on. i get my days where i feel stuck and that's okay.

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[10 Jan 2012|10:52pm]

in the past couple of days i've come to the realization that i do not do much of what used to make me really happy. not saying that i'm not happy, i just have missed out on a lot because i lost touch with my creativity. instead i simply go to school, comes home to clean up my messes, and head to bed when i'm tired just to do it all over again the next day. i used to love making fancy packages for distant friends. i used to love siting down with nothing but some music playing and write zines. i used to actually make myself do things that were creative and interesting. i think its time to start getting back to these things, but slowly. no need to overwhelm myself and do it all at once. it will only make it harder. so i think that sending mail is the first on my to do list. its an instant gratification that will hopefully motivate me to get back into the other things. so here's the big question for those of you who still read. who's interested in receiving something? i will make a goal to get everything sent out by the 20th of this month.

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[07 Jan 2012|06:28pm]

things have been going pretty great these days. of course lots of things have happened the past few months that i should have been writing about but i never wanted to talk about it publicly. instead i am making this year the year that i blog at least once a week. it will be one of my top goals so that it stays a constant reminder and therefore (hopefully) gets done. it is so nice to see everyone coming back and i hope that it stays this way.

i have some really great friends in my life that have been really supportive in everything that has been happening. it took learning the hard way that you lose out on friendships when you focus your time and energy on those who do not appreciate nor will ever appreciate what you are doing for them. 2012 is going to be the year to weed out all the bad seeds. like june and i had discussed the other day in her car while driving to breakfast, its time to appreciate the friends we've got and let them know we care. i realized that i have lost touch with so many good people.

so here's to my friends. as cheesy as it may seem, i love them. the real friends. the ones who are there for me as much as i am for them. the ones who listen and laugh with me. the ones who make me feel whole.

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[17 Dec 2011|11:38pm]
been listening to a lot of different music lately
maybe it's just an effort to clear my head

finals are over now and its definitely pleasant to sleep in and not wake up to an alarm every day. it's hard knowing that this break is only for a couple weeks but in all honesty i should not complain. i have started picking up crafting again, thanks to it also being the christmas season and i wanted something to give. hoping to purchase some patterns on etsy that i have been eyeing so that i can get back into crocheting. it used to be so relaxing to watch movies and crotchet lovely things for myself.

i have lost an incredible amount of weight the past couple of months. i moved into this apartment weighing roughly 215+ pounds and as of this morning i am down to 186. i also had to purchase size 12 pants at old navy recently. this to me is just so strange. it is all probably due to a combination of not having much money to spend on food and a recent lack of interest in eating. i love my fruits and veggies though.

for now i am trying to focus on the positives. been working on going through all of my clothes and letting go of the frumpy or old plain jane things. i might as well focus on making myself feel better. so for now it should be reading zines, crafting, possibly restarting my etsy, baking treats, and getting out of the house more often.
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hello october [01 Oct 2011|01:38pm]

hello october seems to be the overall theme of the day and that's just fine with me. it means that fall is just around the corner and all of my favorite activities and hobbies will be enjoyable again. it means that i will get back to my normal self. things have been so strange lately but i will not go into much detail. just a couple weeks ago i felt as if summer would never end. here i am, relaxing in my bed with the cat by my side feeling sick and full of cold medicine. fall is quickly approaching and more than anything i want it to be wonderful. the most traumatic thing that came my way recently was that i had to deal with my kitty almost dying on me. he got a urinary tract infection which caused him to start urinating blood and getting crystals in his system. he just completed all of his antibiotics on thursday and continuing his diet of special urinary food. my little guy is slowly getting back to his normal self. it is absolutely amazing how much one animal can mean to someone. he may be seven years old but it never feels like that long.

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[26 Sep 2011|08:50pm]
maybe it's the fall weather. maybe it's the rain. but there is something inside of me that wants more.
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[15 Sep 2011|09:02am]

i want to take you places you have never been
or places you have been but have never seen the way i see
then together we can see what we were missing all along

things are okay right now and that's alright with me
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[23 Aug 2011|06:37am]

photo by jaybird

its six o clock in the morning and my body decided that it was time to wake up for a while. i feel as if i have been neglecting this journal so i'm forcing myself to sit a the computer and write. things aren't exactly the way i wish they were. are they ever when i decided to write in this thing? well in the past month i went completely broke, was robbed, and also told that we're "just friends". the last thing on this list isn't actually that bad considering i am still crushing and the two of us are still hanging out and it gave me one more thing to bitch about. the more i write out these stupid complaints the more i start to laugh at myself for how ridiculous life can be.

having your things stolen absolutely sucks. its bad enough just to misplace something. when it's stolen it is for sure gone for good. the person who stole my things was not someone i even invited into my home, my roomate did. everything happened the weekend of the zine symposium when i was barely home and helping organize very early in the morning and very late into the night. the police are involved (which is another problem on its own that i wont discuss) and a lot still hasn't been resolved. i miss my stuff. it's even worse when it's the last of your cash and things you spent a lot of money on or hold of lot of memories with. especially my grandmothers things.

next sunday is the day i should be jumping in a car with rosemary and heading up to alaska but life really shit on me this summer and it looks as if i have to cancel and say no to going. by september tenth i have to find a new place to live (who would want to stay somewhere where the negative will always outweigh the positives) and that it not going as well as hoped. also it was in my original plans to stay up in alaska until sometime around the seventeenth which would never be realistic. this whole thing is absolutely breaking my heart right now. i spent the last couple bucks on expediting a passport i cannot even use. my mental health was almost relying on this. and the amount of beautiful faces i will be missing out on is tearing me apart.

for now i will try to breathe and stay calm

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[10 Aug 2011|11:08am]

i'm really digging life right now. things are working out so far with the roommate situation. the zine symposium passed by quicker than expected but the amount of new zines in my collection makes me smile every time i look. i leave for alaska again in 18 days. these next couple of weeks will be great for getting some things in my life in order in time for school but i'm really looking forward to the adventure. my cat loves me more than ever and we spend a lot of time together which is good for my health. my dad told me he is getting married next year which is another issue all on its own but i'm trying to remove myself as much as possible so that he can live his new life.

leaving for alaska keeps me hopeful. it keeps me motivated.

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[23 Jul 2011|10:47am]
i've been feeling lost lately. i noticed that this tends to happen after something big happens in my life and reality sets in and reminds me that i can't always be living in a dream world. half of the money is still there and all i want to do is spend it on traveling to far away places. been writing all the time in hopes of having two new zines finished before the symposium. school starts september 26th so luckily i have plenty of summer left.
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[15 Jul 2011|09:17am]

alaska was just as amazing as i knew it was going to be. i keep wanting to sit down and write but for some reason cannot find the time because real life things are actually getting in the way for once. i volunteer a lot these days and spend a lot of time with family and friends. it has started to overwhelm me as of lately because ever since i felt so perfect there things here haven't quite made it worth it. i'm really thinking of going instead of staying. where i will go i'm not sure of yet. alaska is an option but there are other places too. i'm thinking of actually being brave and taking a chance. but my time at pcc is not over and i have another year of school and living at home no matter how much i want to pack up and go. that swamp land you see up above has got to be one of the most memorable places jessica ever showed me. i have dreams about it mixed with the people i fell in love with and it makes my heart stop. but for now portland is home. and i'm okay with that. really, i am.
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[09 Feb 2011|07:34pm]

on monday i started my goal of losing at least two pounds every week for a total of 18 weeks. losing around 40lbs is my ultimate goal right now but i'm going to take it one week at a time and see what happens. although my supposed 'healthy' weight according to doctors is roughly 145lbs, i just don't see myself comfortable at that size. so far i seem to have lost 2lbs in just a couple of days which i hope to keep off for the rest of the week. things in general have been really good for me as of lately. i'm currently at all a's and b's in my classes. six weeks down, six weeks left to go. cannot wait for this term to be over so i can get closer to summer. so many things i wish to do.

good things list:
+ drinking lots of water
+ setting realistic goals for myself
+ best coast/wavves next saturday
+ passing my classes
+ late night movies cuddled with the cat
- possibility of not making it to chicago unless i find a place to stay

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[03 Feb 2011|03:53pm]

usually i wish i had more to update my journal with other than rambling about school and today seems to be that day. i woke up completely on my own with no alarm which felt so good. then once i made my way out of bed and into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth i smiled the biggest smile for no reason. then spent the next few minutes laughing at my cat who loves to have morning conversations. so although the news of having to attend pcc another full year after this totally bummed me out and put me in the dumps for about a week i really have started to realize how much potential it gives me. first it allows more time to figure out the major that i'll choose, more time to plan for a transfer, and more time to adventure. some really good news is that i am still loosing weight which means i'm starting to finally feel good with my size and my chub. its all there still in the tummy but i am starting to embrace it and accept it is who i am. struggling with size acceptance is a big deal for me so hopefully by the end of the year i can look at myself and feel okay with who i am.
in other news i got the chance before class to talk with jessica (unicornbeard) via skype which was so lovely and so good for me. i miss her dearly and hope to go visit her again by the end of june. it will be good for me. i will go more prepared this time too. also some other summer plans are in the works such as chicago zine fest in march (which is actually spring break), san juan islands, seattle, and maybe just maybe some other magical places.

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[27 Jan 2011|03:29pm]

wow. classes are really sucking the life out of me this term. but i'm assuming i mention this every term and then begin to enjoy it just like now. psychology is making me reevaluate my relationships just like i expected it to. chemistry finally puts all the math i have been learning to actual use which feels really great. my darkroom photo class makes me absolutely over the top anxious and my nerves are an absolute mess with everything i do. i am working very hard to have more self-confidence this term because it would really help me in the long run. working in a darkroom is also teaching me all of the things i wish i had known for a long time. i'm slowly easing up to the beauty in black and white photography because i have never used b&w film. i have an extreme love affair with color and don't think i will ever like black and white as much as i do color. other than school i try to take as much time for myself to stay sane. i'm predicting that this will be another year of self discovery and finding out what truly makes me happy.

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[14 Jan 2011|06:29pm]

the weekend is finally here and i'm going to try and accomplish as much as possible. maybe even have a photo adventure day with holly because she really enjoys stomping through grassy hills and getting a little muddy when it rains. taking a black and white darkroom class makes me appreciate color photography so much more than ever before. i will come out of this class with a better understanding of everything but already i'm getting excited for future assignments and getting better with an enlarger. today we made photograms and i am way to critical of my own work so i might just find myself attending open lab and trying another go at making something i fancy. realized the other day that i will still have to attend pcc for another three terms or so to get every class i need to achieve this associates degree. i'm going to take advantage of summer, not take any classes, and plan some big getaways.

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